Nude Golf: “The Skin Game” – 1993
In your local charity shop, deep in the VHS bin, beneath a thousand copies of Face/Off, under the complete London’s Burning box set, and behind seven different footballing gaffe videos, lies the incredible 1993 video “Nude Golf: The Skin Game”.
Why does this exist? I can’t even imagine. For fans of golf and nudity, I suppose. For people who like golf but think it would be improved with bums? For people who like bums so much that they’ll tolerate watching golf? Whoever it is, if you see this tape on their shelf (or .mp4 on their desktop), then you should probably give them the human interaction they desperately need.
The hosts for the show are the – thankfully besuited – Edgar Crump and Rittle Lichard. Crump is a British guy playing up his native accent like he’s Lord Alfred Hayes. He’s played by Joe Baker, a second-generation Vaudeville star, West End writer and actor, who – according to his IMDb biography – “was a favourite of Prince Charles on the children’s show, Crackerjack! (1955)”. He moved to America in the 1970s and picked up roles like “Prisoner Joe” in The Apple Dumpling Gang Rides Again, “The Peasant” in Waxwork II: Lost in Time, and “Angry Villager” in Robin Hood: Men in Tights. He passed away in 2001, aged 72.
But Joe is alive here, and he’s giving his all to the daft role of Edgar Crump. His co-host is the Japanese golf expert Rittle Lichard. He’s also a character, played by the actor Katsuki Kazuhiro. And I can’t find him on the internet! Maybe he was the same Katsuki Kazuhiro who appeared as an officer in Star Trek. Katsuki is here to provide a little racist light relief, as even the character’s name is a shitty joke about how Japanese people can’t say “r” or “l” in the same way as Westerners.
Rittle says hello with a “Konichiwa!” Crump asks, “what does that mean?”, and is told “where are the chicks?” If you found that funny, the whole video is going to be a fucking riot for you. But if you don’t (and you shouldn’t), it’s going to be a long ride.
They are hosting from what pretends to be outside, but is clearly a TV studio. There’s a blue sheet hung down at the back to represent the sky, and you can plainly see the creases down it.
Crump gives us a brief run-down of “yesterday’s action”. Sandy Conifer is shown very briefly hitting a good shot on the third hole. Some people would be tempted to say that the “third hole” is the anus, but I’m above that. Despite only flashing up for a few seconds, there are a few things to note about Sandy’s shot.
Firstly, she’s inside the same studio as the lads hosting. You can see where they’ve layered sheets of fake grass on top of each other, and where they’re creased from being in storage.
She’s also not nude. The shoes and socks could perhaps be forgiven. I know that wearing clothes on your feet is inherently not naked, but I’m not a monster and she could step in anything on that course. I mean, she couldn’t because it’s a fake course in a TV studio, but she still might step in something foul like the script for this show.
But what’s inexcusable is that she’s wearing a giant yellow thong. I should clarify “giant”. I don’t mean it’s a size 42, rather that it’s that 90s style of high-waisted thong that covers half her back, giving her what looks like a vertically extended bottom.
We’re told that this shot won her $60,000, which feels impossible, like it’s 10 times the budget for this entire tape.
Elaine Brisbane is shown fluffing a putt that would have earned her $100,000. Rittle’s analysis consists only of him saying “crappy shot” in a Japanese accent so over the top that even Jim Davidson would tell him to wind it in. Her shot is most notable for the presence of a studio light, like you have outdoors on a golf course. Cheap and nasty. The film, not Elaine.
The implication here is that they filmed yesterday’s action, but couldn’t be bothered putting it on the video in full. Stored away somewhere in someone’s garage is a big pile of Nude Golf footage that they’re sitting on, ready to make their fortune one day. Maybe they’ll release it on the Nude Golf Network, some kind of futuristic streaming service.
Now it’s time to meet today’s players. First up is the woman we just saw winning $60,000, Sandy Conifer, from Sheepshead, New Jersey – a place that doesn’t actually seem to exist. Unless she’s from Sheepshead Baygels in Holmdel, NJ, or Sheepshead Bay, which is in New York. But what does it matter? Non-nude golfer Arnold Palmer once said to her: “Can I just touch the left one?” This is a cue for raucous canned laughter, the thought of the winner of 62 PGA Tours trying to negotiate to touch one breast is way too much for this imagined audience. And she’s wearing the same yellow thong as yesterday. Because “yesterday’s” footage was definitely filmed at the same time as this. She’s also wearing a t-shirt for this introduction, as perhaps it’s a little demeaning to do it topless.
Crump wants to ask her one question: “Can I touch the right one?” She says no. “The left one?” No. So his hand disappears back into his grubby little pocket. “Please?” No.
Conifer is played by Lauren Hays, an actress with a mixed bag of credits. There’s mainstream sit-com acting, as she’s in an episode of Married with Children. But that’s about the extent of the family-friendly stuff. She’s got WAY more roles in things like “The Great Bikini Off-Road Adventure”, “Sex Files: Alien Erotica”, and “Womb Raider”, in which she plays Cara Loft. I genuinely own two of those three films.
Her opponent is Elaine Brisbane from Iowa. I can’t fully “get” what Crump says when he gives the town. My best guess is Chillicothe, Iowa, a town of 76 people and a curious choice for a reference. Doesn’t seem to be anything funny about the name, or the place, or anything at all on the video. Crump goes into a silly biography of her, which doesn’t make me smile but has Rittle cracking up and trying to hide his laugh. She lived in a dumpster for nine years, was raised by wolves, and learned English from X rated movies.
Elaine is played by Julie Strain, a 6’1 actress who I best know from the Malibu Films series L.E.T.H.A.L Ladies. These are a series of identical films from the 1980s and 1990s featuring large-breasted women, explosions, helicopters, bombs, fast cars, and death. She’s physically distinctive, even amongst the exclusively well-endowed actresses that made up the L.E.T.H.A.L series. As an aside, Day of the Warrior (1996) stars Marcus “Buff” Bagwell in one of the finest acting roles of all time, and you should seek it out immediately.
She towers over Crump, who mutters something like “sure my wife’s a boy”, while staring at her enormous breasts. He wants to ask her a question, but she rejects him, saying she doesn’t have time for this “bullshit”. Amazing. She calls him fat, which is a bit unnecessary. He tells her to keep a civil tongue in her head, which is the sort of thing you say when you were born in the 1920s. She replies, “you’d love a civil tongue”, and lets the line fade out. You can guess where old Crump would like her civil tongue. If you think it’s in his mouth, text MOUTH to 80808…
If Sandy wins tonight, she’s donating her winnings to a hospital that specialises in penis implants. Elaine makes the traditional British wanker gesture at her, which you don’t often see from Americans. Good to see our cultural influence spreading across the world again.
With that sparkling banter over, it’s time to hit the first hole. Sandy is about to tee off with a number two wood. The internet tells me that with a two wood, the shorter shaft helps produce golf shots with more consistency and control from the club’s face on impact with the golf ball. Learning while we watch!
Crump realises that Sandy has gone ahead of herself here, and she’s foolishly about to tee off with her clothes still on. The shirts come off, making it harder for me to take acceptable screenshots, but crucially the pants and shoes stay on. I’m furious. I was promised nude golf, not underwear golf. Nude is nude, it’s an absolute state. A different type of absolute state than old Crump, but still an absolute state. You can’t be a bit dead, you can’t be a bit married, and you can’t be a bit nude. When you’re a bit nude, it’s called NOT BEING NUDE. When you wear shorts, are you nude because your legs are nude? No. Just like you’re not nude because your hands are out. If they’d just called it Topless Golf, all of this anger and annoyance could have been avoided.
As she takes the shot, a crew-member holding the script wanders into the frame. Just another piece of unprofessionalism to distract you from your wank.
Elaine bends over to place her ball, and Crump comments on her nice posture and stance. But really he means her bum looks nice. Elaine is much more tentative about giving the club a big swing, but somehow her ball goes further than Sandy. I mean, what really happens is that they gently smack the ball out of frame, and then someone from the crew throws the ball onto the fake fairway.
And after one shot each, that’s enough golf for now. It’s time for the “Up Close and Personal” Nude Golf interview with Elaine Brisbane. Crump asks if she’s played a round with Lee Trevino. She says yes, but the joke is that she’s “played around” with him. The confusion is hilarious. Not to me, but to them. And that’s the end of the interview.
Back to the golf, and both women are on the green. Elaine sneezes and puts Sandy off her putt. The ball rolls awkwardly across the astroturf mat, and stops just before the hole.
And we’re away from the action to get a NUDE GOLF TIP. I am assuming this will be a “take care of your balls” joke, which I came up with off the top of my head. If their joke is funnier than that, I’ll sign up for the Nude Golf Tour myself.
Here’s the tip:
Stick out your butt. This is good posture.
My Nude Golf membership will have to wait for another day.
This is followed by a brief compilation of the two golfers sticking their butts out and hitting a few balls around. Elaine does a little joke where she can’t make her shot, so she picks up a bush and throws it away. I mean, a plant bush from the ground, not her own pubic hair. Which we still haven’t seen.
Back to Rittle and Crump, who have miniature golf course in front of them. Not one of those ones from the seaside where you have to hit the ball through a windmill, just a tiny representation of a real course. Crump advises golfers to use a long iron, which Rittle HILARIOUSLY repeats, but says “wrong iron”. They go back and forth more than once on the “long iron” / “wrong iron” confusion, before the scene just ends.
Another Nude Golf Tip. Crump suggests that when you’re making a shot, you should visualise slapping your boyfriend’s butt. Whatever gets you through the day, I guess.
Crump interviews Sandy. We’ve moved on from that putt she couldn’t make earlier, and nobody is ever going to acknowledge it again. This is the 11th hole (busy night). Sandy gives a little sincere monologue about her club selection, with the joke being that she’s articulate and knows a lot about actual golf.
She tees off from what looks like exactly the same place that all the other action has happened. I honestly can’t believe they’ve filmed this indoors. What were they thinking? All these cheap and nasty hacks to pretend they’re in a big expanse of grass, when they could just go outside and use a real course.
I love how the carpeting moves as she scuffs it with the club. Once again, both women are within reach of the hole thanks to the invisible hand of the producer. Amusing(?) sound effects are added to this hole, with an elephant trumpeting as the loudest of the jungle noises. Sandy lines up her putt but makes a mess of it. Elaine spends forever lining up her shot, briefly making the tape as dull as actual golf. But then she hits the ball way too hard and sends it flying across the studio.
Sandy pushes her out of the way and takes her shot – bad golf etiquette, as the player furthest from the hole should take the next turn. But she pots the white, to rapturous applause. We don’t see what Elaine does or whether she manages to get the ball down.
GOLF TIP: Don’t let your tits jiggle too much when you’re swinging the club. But he doesn’t actually say tits, that’s just implied. It could be your penis and testicles, I guess.
Crump claims that golf was invented in Scotland (true) by Angus McTee (not true). What does that mean? “Hand us my tee”? “Hang up my tee”? “Stick your fucking tee up your arse, you unfunny, bizarre old man”? Rittle dives in to claim that golf was invented by a Scotsman named “Mao Itoh”, I think. Maybe he was making a pun on “More hitter”? I can barely hear him to understand what he’s saying in the first place.
Crump tells us that the first hole in one was hit by Oliver Lloyd Cranston, but the quickest of Googles suggests that “The first ace was made by Tom Morris in the 1868 British Open.” There’s no reason for him to pick the name Oliver Lloyd Cranston; if he ever existed in history, then the internet doesn’t know about him, and it’s not like it’s a joke name. In jokes, “Oliver” is traditionally pronounced as “I love a”, so he could have been “Oliver Longshot” or “Oliver Luckybounce” or ANYTHING that isn’t “Oliver Lloyd Cranston”. Again, Rittle repeats the fact in his “me so sally” voice, and again attributes the hole in one to a man with a Japanese name. Oh, the japes.
This tape is jumping all over the place more than Javier Sotomayor. Crump asks Elaine where she ranks in the all-time list of nude golfers. She puts herself third, behind Tipper Gore and Dolly Parton. Parton is obviously included because of her comedic knockers, but Tipper Gore is a weirder choice. I only know her from the Eminem song White America, where he raps: Fuck you, Ms. Cheney! Fuck you, Tipper Gore! Fuck you with the freest of speech this Divided States of Embarrassment will allow me to have!
Crump lets Elaine know that neither Parton or Gore are nude golfers, so she excitedly moves herself into first position. “I’ll drink to that,” mutters Crump, before looking at her breasts and adding, “or to them”. And the sketch just ends.
Some old newsreel film plays, showing off the latest (from the 1950s) in women’s beachwear. There is absolutely no relevance to the rest of the program, just a cheeky little 30 second addition to kill a wee bit of time. There’s a woman at the end of the clip, smiling and wearing a hat, who is stunningly beautiful. If you really have to have mucky thoughts over the nude golf video, you could do a lot worse than pausing it here.
Because the tape can never stop, it’s straight on to the Nude Fashion Show, which feels like a contradiction. But it’s fine in the world of Nude Golf, where nobody is nude and the points don’t matter. Elaine is out first, modelling a black thong, red socks, and an umbrella. The audio mixing goes to pot here. Crump is chatting away about something, but you can’t hear him over the combination of soft jazz elevator music and dubbed over riotous applause.
Sandy models some white pants, Elaine shows off a tartan skirt – finally barefoot, so Quentin Tarantino can finally relax. They walk on, make a face, and leave again. Crump spends forever on a weak joke about how Elaine is dressed “for the tees”, repeating himself as he tries to get across the idea of “for the tease”, but since she’s nude except for a thong – and has been throughout the entire video – it’s not exactly the most subtle of teases.
Crump gets horny and wanders off to chat with the girls, leaving Rittle to do the next introduction. Which he does in softly-spoken Japanese, and I can only hope and pray that he’s saying something like “I’m only doing this for the money, I hate this job and everyone in the cast and crew, and especially you for watching this tawdry garbage.”
That’s the end of the fashion show. Back on the course (which is also where the fashion show took place), Elaine uses a ball washer in a way that looks like she’s giving a robot a hand job. Crump jokes about how the English give their balls a good scrub, before losing confidence and adding “don’t write in, that’s only a little golf joke.” He then tries to top it with, “we do have ball washers in England. I’m married to one.” I’m not sure what to make of that. His wife works on a golf course? She’s a professional testicle beauty therapist? Maybe he’s trying his own version of the old “bacon slicer” joke, but not very successfully.
Finally back to more actual golf. There’s a wonderful bit of editing where Elaine swings her giant driver back and whacks the ball as hard as she can. Cut to the place where the ball needs to land, and it has clearly been thrown underarm by someone just off the set. Sandy takes her shot with a slightly better edit, and that’s the end of the golf.
Rittle interviews Sandy. He gives us a rundown of various body parts in Japanese. I’m sceptical about the accuracy. He points at her boobs and calls them “giant heaving chiches”. When I say “various body parts”, I really mean face, boobs, and bum. Because that’s the level.
Interview time with Elaine, and she’s asked how she likes her clubs. Stiff and extra-long. This makes sense because golf clubs need to be rigid to maintain their shape through the swing, and she’s 6’1, so an extra-long club is also reasonable. But she’s really talking about dicks.
The next hilarious gag-filled segment is Crump and Rittle doing a variation on the old “Who’s on first?” routine. If you’ve heard the routine before, you know EXACTLY how it goes, and if you haven’t, you’re one of life’s winners and should keep it that way. Luckily it only lasts 12 seconds, but when you’re padding out a video like this one, every second counts.
NUDE GOLF TIP: Beware of frostbite, nipple bite, “sand in any aperture”, something unintelligible that sounds like “bug bits bush” that causes Sandy to re-cover her already-covered bush.
Sandy takes a shot, and as the ball flies out of shot, they play a sound effect of a window smashing. I don’t mind this joke, and will never get tired of it, or its superior cousin, the startled cat. Elaine goes to putt the ball. The camera disappears so close up her backside that you can count individual anus muscles peeking out of her thong. She misses the putt.
Sandy goes for her putt. Crump makes a little joke, commenting “what an approach” as she physically approaches. It’s not funny. None of this is funny. The commentators wish her “good luck” and “guh ruck”, and an off-screen voice loudly says “go”, as her cue to take the shot. This putt misses too.
Elaine putts next, and the ball disappears hopelessly behind Rittle’s legs. They couldn’t be bothered to reshoot that, so in it stays. Sandy has another go, and sinks a putt! The crowd go wild! Two thirds of the way through the tape, and someone has hit a golf ball in a hole! Woo! Yay! I’m doing laps around my living room, cheering. Taps aff for the golf!
Back to Rittle and Crump as they reprise the “Who’s on first?” joke. From the meteoric highs of golf to the Mariana Trench lows of the comedy. Rittle says “I give up”, to which Crump replies “I give up? Wasn’t he the caddy? Short little guy with a limp?” Is this humour? Is this funny? Is this good? The answer to all three questions is no.
NUDE GOLF TIP: Crump runs down some of the advantages of nude golf. You don’t have to bring clothes. You’re welcome in a foursome. You don’t have to keep score “because nobody wants to.” Have a go at home, try and come up with your own fucking awful advantages of nude golf. Women always have somewhere to store their ball. There’s one that they won’t tell you on the telly.
The women tee off again, and it’s the same bit of grass as every other time. Why do they keep showing this? The most brutal of padding. The commentary lads argue over whether her ball landed behind an oak tree or a bonsai bush. See, cos they’ve got the tiny table version of golf out and bonsai is small and the bushes on the table are small so that’s why he made the mistake and also I am losing my mind here. I cannot believe this is a real for real lovers of golf, comedy, and nudity to watch and in theory enjoy. Why would anyone pay for this?
NUDE GOLF TIP: “Jiggling your titties” will help with a “nice fluid swing”. They’ve so badly run out of material by now, this is getting painful.
And with some degree of brass fucking neck, it’s time for an advert break. A puppet with a cigarette advertises the genuine video tape Buck Naked Line Dancing (sample Amazon review: “Pretty girls, all topless, nice music.” Two stars.) He goes to some trouble to explain what “buck naked” means, before showing the line dancers wearing jorts. Another scam from the nude / naked video company. And one of the line dancers looks very familiar – it’s professional nude golfer Elaine Brisbane!
Back to the golf. They’re bringing out the “exclusive slow motion tush cam”, which is the only slow motion camera in history that doesn’t actually do slow motion. Or they’ve forgotten to activate the mode. Either way, the footage is in normal motion. Crump scrabbles around on the floor for this bit, perhaps trying to get a little up-thong glance. As he crawls off, he scuffs up the green carpet something rotten. If this tape was any more amateur, they could sell it on OnlyFans.
Rittle and Crump have a humourless comedy argument over whether it’s better to have one clean ball or two clean balls. Are they talking about golf balls or testicles again? It’s up to you to decide.
Crump asks Elaine if she’s ever had sexual relations with her caddy. “No, well, I guess I did once”, says the world’s shittest witness. She lost a ball in the long grass and the caddy Julio took advantage of her “about seven times”. That’s the joke.
“Sandy, how did you become a nude golfer?” Sandy’s answer opens with the worst possible words to hear in this context. “Well, when I was seven years old…” Oh no. She recounts a story of being attacked by a swarm of locusts, giving up the game, and only picking it up seven years later when she realised she could play in the nude. “What did the members say?” “They loved it.” She was 14. Oh no. Oh no oh no oh no.
NUDE GOLF TIP: Point the “torpedoes” at the ball. He means breasts. He always means breasts.
Rittle has his little golf course out. He demonstrates the most dangerous play in Japanese golf. He picks up something off the table and moves it slightly. They don’t bother zooming in or getting a close-up, you just have to accept that he’s done something. Crump wonders why it’s so dangerous. Can you guess why? “Sniper in tree!” of course. A reference to the Second World War, a conflict that we’re never, ever going to stop banging on about.
“Nude Golfers if you have light skin and freckle easily, I suggest you use Freckle Block” says Crump, holding up an unidentifiable bottle. Everyone involved in the making of this tape should be forced to watch that line over and over, Clockwork Orange style, for the rest of their lives.
Finally, we’re onto the 18th and final hole. There’s no way we’ve seen 18 holes so far, and I’m not even getting into bumhole jokes. Rittle lists off the prizes for the winner, from $2 million to a partridge in a pear tree, via a bunch of other things that I couldn’t make out despite watching it five times.
Elaine’s shot bounces around off-screen, before banging off Sandy’s head. Sandy faints in a way reminiscent of Gillian McKeith, and after a 10 count, Elaine is declared the winner. Elaine’s hairdresser Adrian camply runs onto the screen, and gets a bit sexually excited by old man Crump.
Crump closes proceedings with a teaser for Nude Golf 2: Can Sandy win her title back? Is Elaine bisexual? Will he get to touch Elaine’s left breast? Rittle repeats his words in his own little way. And credits roll.
The Executive Producer is Andrew Kurzman, who is either using a completely fictional name, or is the producer Andrew Kurtzman with his name spelled incorrectly. The writer George Bloom has managed to scrub any reference to this from his online profiles.
This was a painful experience. The whole video lasts just 30 minutes, and really the first 90 seconds gives you the full measure of what to expect. Scattergun “sketches”, racism, and the most unarousing nudity this side of a doctor’s office. I’m still genuinely not sure who the audience for this is, why anyone would pay for it, have it in their living room, or spend even 30 minutes with it.
One five star reviewer on Amazon gives us both barrels of the sarcasm gun: Amazing – It said on the back great for a party, and by jove did that statement prove to be true! My mother’s 80th would most definitely otherwise have been devoid of both nice perky bosoms and great golfing. A great treat for the whole family, I know my niece loved it! Five stars!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Siren, A Giant, and a Dwarf 